breakups are weird
and why i might stay single for 2025
I
This past week has been a whirlwind of mascara stained eyes and stuffing my face with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, my relationship of a year and four months ended and apart from being sad and heartbreaking, it feels plain weird, like an uncomfortable silence that can’t be shaken. In the grand scheme of time, a year and four months is not very long, but in terms of my somewhat young age, that is a little more than an eighteenth of my life.
It was an all-consuming relationship which are always the hardest to move on from; When a partner has been so present in your life, the very thing that your days revolve around, breaking up creates such an emptiness. A whole area of my life has ceased to exist and it feels very surreal. I no longer open my phone to see his messages. I can no longer call him to hear is voice. There won’t be any more dinner dates or tender kisses or I love you’s.
My therapist said that serious relationships as a teenager are a double-edged sword because while they contain so much euphoria of young love and thrive in the period in our lives when we can afford to be somewhat carefree, they also wedge themselves into our mental development. In such a critical time when one needs to learn and understand who they are, they begin building their sense of self around that other person, their partner. This holds true to me because I feel like I’m scrambling to define who I am now that I’m longer someone’s girlfriend. In hindsight, maybe I made that too much of my identity, and I’m glad I can recognize that now.
I’ve found myself falling victim to the cliche of wishing that he was never part of my life just so I wouldn’t feel this hurt, but in reality, relationships are all learning experiences. The pain isn’t all for nothing because it means I experienced love, and I can now carry with me what I’ve learned through this relationship to whoever I find myself with next.
I want my romantic escapades to be enjoyable, not all consuming. I want to go on dates without the desperation of wondering if there will be a second one. I want to live with a horizon of possibilities every time I go out. I want to be sure and confident in myself so my worth doesn’t depend on my relationship status.
Of course, the breakup hurts but it also felt freeing which assures me it was the right thing to do. I’ve forgotten how exciting and dizzying it is to walk around the world being single, like the world is my oyster and I am the pearl. (cue Aquamarine by Addison Rae). Dating and flirting really is so much fun.
I’m definitely experiencing a big mindset metamorphosis at the moment. My mantra now is as follows: boys are so much fun when you just don’t care. Don’t care about finding a boyfriend, or rejection or if they like you back. In this period of my life where I’m so young, dating should just be for fun. I was once a hopeless romantic, a lover at heart who yearned for the stability of a relationship, but now I’m ready for something new; after caring for so long, it’s time for me to be carefree.
II
Since I’m an insufferable writer, of course I put my pen to paper and tried to turn my jumbled mess of feelings into poetry. Here is some of my heartbreak written in a more lyrical form if you care to read.
III
To conclude this newsletter, I wanted to compile a playlist of songs that have been on repeat through my breakup period. Apart from writing, music is my coping mechanism so recommend me more songs please and thank you.
As always, thank you for reading, I love you very much <3
wishing u the best this year 🫶